3am

so its like 3 am and i cant sleep...what else is new. i can hear rebecca slamming things around in her room. jen has probably been passed out for a while now because she was drunk. grace and andrew are probably awake now because she is slamming things down in her room. and aimee and usual isnt here, which i dont mind because she makes things awkward when im in the room. but tonight has been an unusualy boring/ kinda eventful night. it started out this afternoon as really boring because i was by myself in the room so i went to the boys basketball game, which was pretty good, they won so i was happy for them. then it got kinda annoying because sweet cream continued to follow me around and to get in my way when i was trying to clean my room and to do my HW which didnt happen because he was in the way. i got my room cleaned for the most part right now but i wasnt able to do my HW, which annoyed me because i really wanted to get it done so i wouldnt have to do it tomorrow. then he decided we were going to dinner which sucked because i dont really like to eat with him. we never have anything to talk about, he eats soo much food because hes trying to gain weight!...makes me feel a whole lot better. and he eats really slowly. aside from the fact that we always have to go down there soo freaking early, we always go when there is the most people there and it takes forever to get your food beacuse they are really slow in the cafe. however after dinner i was able to get away from him for a little while until he decided he wanted to burn a cd off of my computer because he cant just freaking buy music online or download it himself. so once again he was on my computer and in my way. then i wanted to go over to the other dorm because they were having a luau and i was supposed to meet a friend there...but who has to follow me over there once again. yea. i wanted to kill him i was getting soo annoyed. and everywhere that i went in the building he followed me, i mean seriously find some more friends and stop smothering me. however after my friend got there it was finially ok beacuse he went and found someone else to bug and follow around. and we ended up going to fairhaven to see this guy and it was actually pretty interesting. unfortunatly dan was there and made a comment about something from the past which i wished he hadnt because it really hurt. i know i said something first but when he said it it really hurt me and i wished i could have just gone and cryed. just thinking about it sucks and makes me want to cry and anyone that knows me knows that i dont cry often. i dont cry infront of people ( except for him ) i dont tell people that i cry and i dont say that i want to cry or thing im going to, however this time i did and its showing me that i think i still like him...well i know i do beacuse im pretty sure i always will like him because he was my first kiss and the first guy i really liked. the first guy i was comfortable being myself around and letting my guard down for and in return i got really hurt and i got my heart crushed into a million pieces. to this day i am still looking for all of the pieces but the truth is is that he has all of the pieces im hoping that someday maybe he will put my heart back together and will give it back to me so i can either move on or something. but i know that will never happen. i know he will never care enough to do that. i know he will never put my heart back together and stop leading me on. i know he will never be the person i fell in love with again. and he can never take back what happened. as much as i would like to forget what happened and to forget him i dont think i will ever be able to. im wishing that someday i will be able to do that but for right now in this day and again i can not see myself doing that.
on another note. i found out that this kid that liked me last year apparently still likes me. and i dont know i like him but i cant see myself going out with him. maybe someday but not right now. im so messed up i would feel bad making this kid go through my crazy mood swings and me being like a fucking roller coaster of emoitons. i noticed the other day that i can go from being really happy about something and the next not wanting to go at all and loosing all interest in whats going on. all i want to do is to be left alone and to be able to do stuff on my own and not deal with other people.
however there is one person who i can actually act like myself around. im hoping that eventually he will have the same feelings that i have for him that i think i have. i like the fact that he acts the way he wants when he wants and doesnt care what other people think. i like the fact that he makes the funniest faces and the way he talkes about things. and the way he told me that he should have been born in the 50's because he likes the way that they dressed back then and the way that people treated eachother was much nicer then the way that they treat one another now a days and how he likes the language they spoke back then. it made me really think about how right he is. thinking about it now i would to have liked to live in the 50's as well. to speak with a educated voice and to actually know the proper way to speak and to dress and walk and how to be really polite and what not. it would have been pretty neat to live back then.
however its pretty late and ive been writing for about half n hour now and i think its time for me to go to bed