All Alone

Do you ever have the feeling like your all alone. You could be in a crowded room full of people who love you and who want to be with you but you still have the feeling of being alone, either because you cant talk about it, you don't know how to, or you feel that the people with you just don't want to hear what you have to say or what you think. I am always around the people who I consider friends and who I think consider me a friend as well how ever I can never really tell them what's going on because I feel like they don't want to hear my problems and because I would rather deal with there problems then dealing with my own. I have gotten really good at hiding my feelings and not telling people whats going on, but I can do that anymore. I want to tell someone, I need to tell someone. But I cant I cant find the strength to tell someone and to let my feelings out and I cant find someone to tell all of my feelings to. The one person I was able to tell my feelings to and that could get just about anything out of me has betrayed me. I told him everything, and I mean everything. We talked about how I had never had a boy friend, how I had never kissed anyone, and how more then anything I am scared to death of my Grandfather dying. Before meeting him I had never been able to tell anyone about my Grandfather and how he is so important to me, and how it kills me every time I see him because every time I see him it gets harder and harder because of the condition he is in. After finally being able to tell someone it felt so good, because I didn't feel like I was hiding a part of my life that no one knew anymore except for my family members. It felt so good that I had decided that I would continue to tell him things about me, some things that my best friend didn't even know. After spending so much time with him I had realized that I started to like him and I had a feeling that he liked me too because he would cuddle with me on the couch in the lounge, he always sat next to me where ever we went, he held my hand sometimes, he took care of me if I was sick, he went to the school dances with me and would get upset if someone else tried to dance with me and most importantly he gave me my first kiss. It was amazing. I never knew that I had been able to feel this way about someone and to feel so connected to someone, to feel as though i know someone so well that if someone asked you something about them you could tell there whole story. You could tell them anything that they wanted to know. That's how I felt about him and that's how much I knew about him. However then the summer happened and I hadn't seen him and a while or even talked to him for that matter. And that's where things when down hill, I was on Long Island and he in back in Connecticut. What made things worse for the whole situation was that he started talking to my best friend, they talked quit a bit to tell you the truth and in my opinion she was a carbon copy of me. She did everything that I did, she would basically copy anything and everything that I did. She tried to dress the way that I did. She copied my every move. To tell you the truth I didn't mind until she decided that she liked the same guy that I liked. The same guy that I knew everything about, the guy I spent all my time with and the guy I thought I would and could spend the rest of my life with. The guy I talked about spending the rest of my life with and actually considered it. What I dint understand is why? Why him? and Why her? most of all Why ME? What did I do to deserve what they did to me. They lied to me and betrayed me, they lost my trust and crushed my heart. To this day they still don't know how I feel or how I know what they did. They think that I'm OK with everything that happened but to tell you the truth I'm not. I never want the 2 of them to see each other again because I'm afraid that what happened will happen again and that my heart will be crushed once again. And that once again I wont have anyone to talk to. I still don't trust either of them further then I could throw them. I hate to say that but its true. They have let me down so many times that it isn'tdon't understand how they can do that but somehow they manage to, and they mange to do it together. Somehow they managed to fall in "love" over the span of a month of talking to each other on the computer and I love how she manages to fall in love with the same guy that I had loved for almost a year and that I knew everything about and the one guy I was comfortable being with and being myself with. The guy i didn't feel like I had to hide part of myself from him. I don't understand. I really don't.
But back to feeling all alone because I kinda went off on a tangent about this guy that I'm basically in love with and who used to like me just as much.
He was the one person I was comfortable with, but now I cant stand so much as to look at him. Not only has he hurt me once but I have let it happen again. I let him take advantage of me again because he promised me it would be different, but its not. I still have the feeling of being all alone in the most crowded room I can be in. He used to make me feel like I was on top of the world, but now I feel as I'm in the mud and that I'm lower then low. I don't understand how I can go from feeling like I'm on top of the world to down in the dumps in a matter of minuets or when ever he comes around. I just wish that there was someone else who could make me feel the way he did, or being able to talk to someone the way I could talk to him. I just wish that I could put my feelings away and hide from the world. However somehow I think I'll be able to figure something out or find someone someday. I'm just hoping that I don't become an old cat lady who doesn't like cats someday.