my physobable jumble

so after not being on here in a veryyyy long time i decided that i need to start writing again because between not being able to sleep and not being able to concentrate on anything because my brain is in this huge jumble of thoughts that if you asked me what i was thinking about i couldn't even tell you because it would take too long to explain and it would be too complicated to the point where no one would want to listen or even be able to listen....even after writing that sentence i was thinking if anyone would be able to understand my phsycobable. :/ oh well.
someday i will find someone who understands it i guess. i mean i thought i found that person but i guess not because he hasn't talked to me in a while. i don't understand how he can go from talking to me everyday at school and for like a week after to talking to me maybe once every two weeks. i don't understand. is it something that i did, is it that he is really busy and just doesn't have time or is it that he just doesn't want to talk to me. its a really hard change because i went from seeing him everyday and talking to him everyday to not seeing him and never talking to him. i know i didn't see him last summer but that was different because even though we didn't see each other we talked everyday. whether it was on the phone or on the computer. and even this year was weird he would go through patches of talking to me and not talking to me and what felt like patches of ignoring me and then all of the sudden wanting to hangout with me. i don't understand why this always happens. i find guys who i either cant live without talking to or seeing and they never feel the same way, i bet if i died tomorrow he wouldn't care.
so anyway after going on a stupid tangent about a stupid boy which shouldn't matter since there are greater things in the world for me to worry about then him.
I recently lost my grandfather. he was an amazing person, he had 5 kids all of whom have children of there own now, he was married to my grandmother for 50 yrs and 4 hrs...to the date. i keep thinking of the day it happend. i was all excited to have there 50th wedding anniversary party and to see all my cousins. earlier that day i had my cousins graduation party, the twins had just graduated college one from NYU and the other from Hofstra. i left the party in thoughts of going right to my grandparents house however when i drove by there wasnt anyone there yet and after seeing the condition my grandfather was in a few days before i kept driving and went home first to see when my parents were leaving. after being home for a little bit and being kinda mad at my mom for not being there on time she got a phone call from my dad and now that i am thinking about it she never even told me what happend she just let me go to my grandparents house thinking nothing was wrong, until i turned the corner to find about 6 poliece cars and the ambulance that was taking my unconcious grandfather to the hospital. after walking up to the house to find my 3 cousins from new jersey standing in the living room in shock i didnt know what to do so i froze like a statue telling my self that i should have been there. i could have been there but i wasnt because i was so selfish and went home. i went home because i didnt want to see my grandfather in the condition he was in, however little did i know that it would be the last time i would ever see him. the last time i saw him he didnt even know who i was. he thought i was someone completely different someone i didnt even know. when i left he wouldnt say goodbye because he didnt know me. after almost 4 years of it being like this you would think that i would be used to it and for the most part i was until the day he died. all the times that i went over there and he didnt know who i was made me wonder if he ever really knew who i was at all or if he did sometimes and other times he didnt. i used to think that i was his favorite person because i was his first grandkid and we had the same birthday. but after looking for pictures of him and i the only ones that i could find were pictures of when i was an infant. i have no recent pictures of him and i and that hurts more then anything. it also hurts that i wasnt allowed to go to the hospital to say goodbye because i was told that i had to watch my cousins while everyone else was able to go to the hospital. i hate being the oldest. i am always expected to watch everyone and to make sure that they all eat and are bing good and are being good, but im not there mother, im there cousin that doesnt make me the perminant care giver when they come over. its not fair that i spend most of my time trying to figure out who wants what and who is doing something wrong all the time. i go places with my family to have a good time too and i never end up having a good time cuz im always too busy taking care of them. as it was at the funeral i was told that i have to take care of all the kids while my aunts and uncles just sat around. i understand that they were upset but so was i. i lost someone very important to me too and im old enough to know what was going on not like most of my cousins who were constantly asking me why grandpa was lying in a box with lots of flowers all over the place or why everyone was crying and why we had to be kept in a back room. all of the questions there parents should have answered but no i was the one stuck trying to find a way to tell them that grandpa was never coming back, that he would never be at another birthday, graduation, christmas, thanksgiving, easter or wedding, christining, communion or sports game ever again. trying to think of a way to explain that to a group of 8 kids is like trying to fix global warming over night but somehow i did i guess. im sure they still have no idea what dead is and why he will never be around to see them grow up. to think that all of this is true is very hard. i still havent found a way to cope with him not being here and its so hard to go into his house. its like getting cold feet right before a big speech. i get this upset feeling in my stomach and dont want to move. its like that when i drive past there house too. for some reason i find my self always looking at there house expecting to see him in the drive way or sitting by the window in his blue chair and then i find myself remembering that hes not here and he never will be. he never will be here to see my graduate college, get married, have kids, have my first big job, own a house...nothing he will never be there because i was too selfish to just go there after the twins party. i could have stopped him from falling or called the ambulance faster cuz i would have been there to help but i wasnt. i blame myself for his death and i think everyone else does too. no one talks to me the way they used to. my grandmother wont even look at me and i think its because she knows that i should have been there. i should have been there

good night turned to shit the next day

its funny how one person can change your whole day around from being really shitty and miserable to awsome and to make you feel so good about everything and give you this amazing smile that no one and i mean no one can wipe off your face. i had one of those nights this week. it was so much fun, i got to know someone new i found out that he is a really funny, sweet, caring and a really interesting person all around. hes not afraid to act like a goof ball around me. he will dance like a fool to some of the best songs. he makes these corny jokes about everything but somehow they are still hilarious even in all of there cornyness. he has some pretty funny pick up lines. but all in all hes a really fun person to hangout with and to talk to and just be around. i feel comfortable around him which doesnt happen this quickly especially with me.

however people decide that they need to ruin everything because they cant figure out what sex they like. i just wish that kim would freaking pick which side of the fence she wants because so far shes fucked up 2 of my possible relationships with 2 really great guys. i wanted to ring her neck when i found out what she did. i mean really are we in middle school where we have to sabatoge other peoples relationships because you like the person but they dont want anything to do with you. in fact they dont even like it when you touch them or stand within 5 ft. of them. its also a little rediculous when you start to undress them while you are in the cafe. just a little redic. i dont get it. you are fucking a 40 yr. old man, you r fucking someone in jersey when you go to visit your cousin, and ur trying to hook up with one of the professors on campus. plus you are known as the campus whore who will fuck anyone who wants to fuck. i mean seriously get a life and have a little more self respect and dont do that i mean a professor, a 40 yr old dude and some random person from jersey. who does that? i think its true when they say that as humans we always want what we cant have and in your case it is definatly true. you want him but he doesnt want you and now because of you he might not act the same way towards me.

i dont know i guess i just wish that certian people wouldnt stick there nose where it isnt wanted or needed for that matter and i wish that stupid sluts didnt get in the way. they manage to ruin everything.

nobody cares

so its happened again...i have been let down by some of my said friends. tonight was a true test to see if they would give a shit if i was gone or not and they didn't no one even noticed that i wasn't there and then when i did see someone they didn't say anything to me. he said oh I'm surprised u weren't there tonight and then carried on with his conversation. in doing that it really hurt me. to know that if i was missing most people wouldn't notice, give 2 shits, or come and look for me. it hurts to know that. if i had been dead on the side of the road, been being brutally murdered or raped by someone no one would even notice. aside from the fact of no one noticing i was gone i got my heart stomped on again in finding out that the guy i thought i really liked doesn't like me because people are to fucking nosey and have to stick there opinion and there comments where they are not needed and where they should stay out. i hate when people do that. they intervene where they shouldn't because in the end they fucked up everything. if she hadn't have gone and said anything i probably could have changed his mind but no she had to go and say something to him and she had to go and take matters into her own hands where the matters never should have been. in the end i was asked by him if i had talked to her about what had been talked about via texting and i had heard about it earlier that night. when i found out i could have killed someone. i mean really are we in the 3rd grade again where you go up to the person and ask if they like your friend or not because i thought we were in college and that we didn't do that anymore and that people didn't stick there nose where it doesn't belong.
all in all i hate people and have decided to keep all of my feelings in and show no emotions anymore and that i am done talking to people because what ever i say always gets back to the person and it always happens in a negative way. i always get burned.
I am going to become the crazy old cat lady who absolutely hates cats and rides one of those power chairs everywhere and has no friends when I'm old and decrepit.

stuffs

so last night i was doing this note thing on facebook and started to think of all the random things in my life that no one really knows about, this made me really think about how many different experiences i have been through and the list was getting kinda long. so here are the one that i can remember as of right now
- I was born on my Grandfathers birthday and I'm his first grandchild.
- I have 1 sibling and he is 17 as of right now. hes turning 18 on march 7th and I'm hoping to go home for his birthday and to then bring him back to school with me and take him to a concert.
- I have 13 cousins..to me thats alot mainly because I'm the oldest and I always get stuck watching them all.
- I have been to Alaska twice and to Hawaii once...those are my only experiences of being off the east coast.
- I am a Disney fanatic and so is my grandmother...its mainly because of her that I love Disney.
- I'm going to Disney in March and my moms birthday is during while we will be there so melissa and I are planning to have a "party" for her or do something for her birthday
- My mom's, brothers, cousins, grandfathers, friends (3), 6th grade teacher and my birthday are all in the same month, and my dads is the next month after.
- My first dog died when I was 2, my dad got her before my parents were married and my neghibor shot her when I was 2.
- I got another dog when I was in 4th grade and she still acts like a puppy to this day and she will fight you for the front seat of my car if she has to because that is her seat when she rides with me in the truck.
- I learned to drive on an F-250 red dump truck. That was my favorite truck to drive and I felt so powerfull in it. When my classmates found out that that was what I drove at school they stopped making fun of me for not having my own car.
- I play field hockey, softball, soccer, track. I have been playing softball and soccer since I was 5...I thought I was going to become a professional softball player when I was younger but then I threw my shoulder out pitching at a championship game and that was pretty much the end of my high school softball career.
- I'm on the sailing team at Mitchell because the softball coach wont let me try out and that made me so mad that I went out for a different sport and the only other girls sport was sailing and as it turns out I love it. I love the coach and learning how to do something new and most of the kids on the team even though I'm the only girl on the team.
- I have been Irish Step Dancing since I was in kindergarten. I made it to Nationals and won 2nd for my age group. I have danced in numerous bars and in alot of St. Pattys Day parades.
- I play the clarinet.
- I have seen someone so close to me get ripped away and I have never been able to talk to them since.
- I know pretty much everything and anything about the fire department and someday I hope to join one where they let women in there department.
- One of my best friends is in the Coast Guard and is currently stationed in Texas. I miss him so much and wish that I could talk to him more.
- My poppy and my grandmother were taken away from me a few years ago from Prostate cancer and ALS. I am hoping that one day they will find a way to cure ALS because seeing my grandmother not able to do anything for her self and seeing her body slowly fail on her was the hardest thing for me to see.
- I could talk to my grandmother all day if she was here.
- I've gotten hurt ALOT both physically and mentally.
- My roomates are completely physcotic but I wouldnt be living if they werent here.
- I give people too many chances to regain my trust and I usually end up getting hurt in the end because I let my guard down and they walk all over me.
- I plan on turning over a new leaf where if people dont like me they can go and fuck themselves because if they were my friends they wouldnt treat me the way they do.
thats all i can really think of as of right now.

Watching the world pass by from the sidelines

have you ever had the experience of watching all of your friends changing around you and becoming people you knew instead of people you know. that's whats going on right now and i hate it. no one is the same as they used to be and none of them realize it. i have tried to talk to them i have tried to show them, but no one gets it. no one. i don't understand how they can let 2 people run there lives. and how those 2 people have total and complete control over everything and anything that they do. they dont act the same way that they used to, we dont go out and do things like we used to, as a matter of fact we dont do anything anymore. maybe its me. maybe im doing something wrong and maybe im the one whos changed but i dont feel like thats the case. i feel like i have stayed the same person and i cant do anything to change. i cant do anything to become a new person like everyone else has. for some reason i dont have the ability to let one person who i cant stand run my life and let my self be minuplated by her. i cant do it and i wont do it. because i am my own person and i will not let her run my life and dictate what i do and dont do because i am not that person and i will never be that person. it sucks to see all of my friends change into people who i dont even know anymore. they used to be people that i could go and talk to about anything and that i used to be able to confide in, now im not comfortable around them. they make everything awkward and i just want to go run away and hide. i cant take it anymore its so bad. i just wish that my old friends would return to the way they were and that everything would be alright. but i know it never will. he will never treat me the way he used to, he will never look at me the way he used to, or hold me the way he used to. i will never be able to talk a friend the same way either. we used to talk about everything i used to give him advice and he used to do the same for me. he used to tell me everythings going to be alright and that everythings going to get better even though it never did. it never got better and it was never alright and in the end i just got more hurt then i needed to get.
sometimes i wish i could erase things in my life but stay in the same time that im in right now. because there are some good things going on right now but at the same time they kinda stink because i could be crushing someones heart and im not about that. i dont want to hurt other people so that i can be happy. i would rather be miserable all the time like i am right now then hurt someone i dont even really know and i hate the fact that i do that. that i dont even know this girl but knowing that i am going to hurt her or that i am hurting her in the process of trying to get to know someone isnt making anything any easier for me right now. i just wish you could erase people in life as well. because if i could i know about a dozen people who wouldnt exsist right now, that way no one would get hurt. but thats never going to happen. in order for me to be happy with the one guy that i actually connect with and i have noticed in the few times that we have hungout that we really do connect and that i do really like him because he is a person i can talk to about funny things or sad things or random things and he doesnt think im weird or at least i dont think that he thinks im weird. but who knows he could just be being nice to me because thats the kind of guy that he is. he talks to pretty much anyone who will talk to him and he is always nice about talking to them. he will crack jokes if your upset, he can always make me laugh wether it is dancing like a fool or telling me a joke or just talking to me makes me smile. when im with him i forget everything thats going on. i forget that most of my "friends" are total and complete ass holes and that everyones changing right in front of my face and that i cant do anything to stop it. but he makes me forget all that crap and makes me laugh which has really come in handy lately and is actually really nice. but i dont think anything will actually happen because i dont want to hurt people. i cant. ive gotten hurt so many times from people doing the same thing to me that i would be doing to her if i go after him.
i just dont know what to do anymore and i wish i could stop everything thats happening and go back to a time where i could have the chance to fix it before it got this bad

3am

so its like 3 am and i cant sleep...what else is new. i can hear rebecca slamming things around in her room. jen has probably been passed out for a while now because she was drunk. grace and andrew are probably awake now because she is slamming things down in her room. and aimee and usual isnt here, which i dont mind because she makes things awkward when im in the room. but tonight has been an unusualy boring/ kinda eventful night. it started out this afternoon as really boring because i was by myself in the room so i went to the boys basketball game, which was pretty good, they won so i was happy for them. then it got kinda annoying because sweet cream continued to follow me around and to get in my way when i was trying to clean my room and to do my HW which didnt happen because he was in the way. i got my room cleaned for the most part right now but i wasnt able to do my HW, which annoyed me because i really wanted to get it done so i wouldnt have to do it tomorrow. then he decided we were going to dinner which sucked because i dont really like to eat with him. we never have anything to talk about, he eats soo much food because hes trying to gain weight!...makes me feel a whole lot better. and he eats really slowly. aside from the fact that we always have to go down there soo freaking early, we always go when there is the most people there and it takes forever to get your food beacuse they are really slow in the cafe. however after dinner i was able to get away from him for a little while until he decided he wanted to burn a cd off of my computer because he cant just freaking buy music online or download it himself. so once again he was on my computer and in my way. then i wanted to go over to the other dorm because they were having a luau and i was supposed to meet a friend there...but who has to follow me over there once again. yea. i wanted to kill him i was getting soo annoyed. and everywhere that i went in the building he followed me, i mean seriously find some more friends and stop smothering me. however after my friend got there it was finially ok beacuse he went and found someone else to bug and follow around. and we ended up going to fairhaven to see this guy and it was actually pretty interesting. unfortunatly dan was there and made a comment about something from the past which i wished he hadnt because it really hurt. i know i said something first but when he said it it really hurt me and i wished i could have just gone and cryed. just thinking about it sucks and makes me want to cry and anyone that knows me knows that i dont cry often. i dont cry infront of people ( except for him ) i dont tell people that i cry and i dont say that i want to cry or thing im going to, however this time i did and its showing me that i think i still like him...well i know i do beacuse im pretty sure i always will like him because he was my first kiss and the first guy i really liked. the first guy i was comfortable being myself around and letting my guard down for and in return i got really hurt and i got my heart crushed into a million pieces. to this day i am still looking for all of the pieces but the truth is is that he has all of the pieces im hoping that someday maybe he will put my heart back together and will give it back to me so i can either move on or something. but i know that will never happen. i know he will never care enough to do that. i know he will never put my heart back together and stop leading me on. i know he will never be the person i fell in love with again. and he can never take back what happened. as much as i would like to forget what happened and to forget him i dont think i will ever be able to. im wishing that someday i will be able to do that but for right now in this day and again i can not see myself doing that.
on another note. i found out that this kid that liked me last year apparently still likes me. and i dont know i like him but i cant see myself going out with him. maybe someday but not right now. im so messed up i would feel bad making this kid go through my crazy mood swings and me being like a fucking roller coaster of emoitons. i noticed the other day that i can go from being really happy about something and the next not wanting to go at all and loosing all interest in whats going on. all i want to do is to be left alone and to be able to do stuff on my own and not deal with other people.
however there is one person who i can actually act like myself around. im hoping that eventually he will have the same feelings that i have for him that i think i have. i like the fact that he acts the way he wants when he wants and doesnt care what other people think. i like the fact that he makes the funniest faces and the way he talkes about things. and the way he told me that he should have been born in the 50's because he likes the way that they dressed back then and the way that people treated eachother was much nicer then the way that they treat one another now a days and how he likes the language they spoke back then. it made me really think about how right he is. thinking about it now i would to have liked to live in the 50's as well. to speak with a educated voice and to actually know the proper way to speak and to dress and walk and how to be really polite and what not. it would have been pretty neat to live back then.
however its pretty late and ive been writing for about half n hour now and i think its time for me to go to bed

back to school

In being home for the last week or so I have realized that I really do dread going to school at Mitchell. I like going to class there, I get along well with my professors. I like my dorm, I get along with most of my roommates. I think one of the only people that keeps me sain at that school is Ashley. We have alot in common. We are both really stubborn, dont listen to what other people say for the most part, would rather deal with other peoples problems then our own and we generally get eachother. Plus we get along well, we are both rather crazy when it comes to doing things together, like going to Wal-mart...always an adventure. We have both agreed that we are the only ones allowed to pick on Rebecca because she knows we are joking around and we know when to stop however if someone else were to ever make fun of her or lay a finger on her they would get there ass beat by 2 girls. We are basically the same person. My other roommates on the other hand I dont particullary care for. I love Rebecca most of the time and Jenn is new to the room so they are excluded from this. However Grace and Aimee I am not huge fans of. Grace I can handle certian doses of. But she usually keeps to herself so I dont mind her, its just that she doesnt clean up after herself and she doesnt do anything to help out in the room. She never buys paper towles or toilet paper or paper plates, she does nothing and she expects the rest of us to do it for her. Plus she always has Andrew in the room. Which drives all of us up the wall most days. He takes forever in the bathroom, he makes it awkward when ever any of us are around him and he is just generally awkward. But hopefully things will change this semester and he wont be in the room all of the time. Aimee on the other hand is a whole boat load of issuses. I know that I agreed to be her roomate but I am now regretting it. She drives me up a wall when she is in the room. She is always in a bad mood, throwing things around the room and when Nik is in the room he just makes fun of everyone. I dont understand what she see's in him. He's a tool, an ass hole, and has no real friends that actually want to hangout with him. The people that do hangout with him only hangout with him because if they dont they know he will never let them forget it and he tortures you until you take the time out to actually hangout with him, and no one ever really has a good time because they always have something else they could be doing or hanging out with someone that they actually care about. But Aimee like Grace does nothing for the room. She never buys anything for the room. The applicance that she brought for the room she hid in our room so no one could use it which is rediculous. Why even bring it? All I know is that she and Nik are not staying in the room all of the time because I cant handle that. She was never there 1st semester and now all of the sudden she wants to come back and takes over the whole room, Not Fair. But like I said before things need to change for next semester. We are going to make lists of things we need and when they run out someone else is buying it for the whole room. Seeing as how everyone in the room has a boy friend except for me we are making a rule that they can only stay in the room for 3 nights and if I ever get another boy friend he will abide by the same rules. And we also need to make rules for cleaning because the kitchen and bathroom are always a mess and its gross. Hopefully these changes wont make any of us fight however thats where I see all of this going and when it happens im not staying in the room.
Anyway, at school I like my friends I have alot actually and that is one of the comforting things to go back to. To see all of the people who care about me or at least I think they care about me. But the people I dont want to see are the ones who I am constantly hurt by. Im tired of always being there for them and getting shit in return. Thats why this semester I have decided to completely erase those people from my life, or try to anyway. After talking to a friend the other night I realised what I need to do and Im going to go for what I want..well who I want. And Im hoping that I will be able to get to know him better and that in the end he will end up liking me for me and not what people want me to be.