my physobable jumble

so after not being on here in a veryyyy long time i decided that i need to start writing again because between not being able to sleep and not being able to concentrate on anything because my brain is in this huge jumble of thoughts that if you asked me what i was thinking about i couldn't even tell you because it would take too long to explain and it would be too complicated to the point where no one would want to listen or even be able to listen....even after writing that sentence i was thinking if anyone would be able to understand my phsycobable. :/ oh well.
someday i will find someone who understands it i guess. i mean i thought i found that person but i guess not because he hasn't talked to me in a while. i don't understand how he can go from talking to me everyday at school and for like a week after to talking to me maybe once every two weeks. i don't understand. is it something that i did, is it that he is really busy and just doesn't have time or is it that he just doesn't want to talk to me. its a really hard change because i went from seeing him everyday and talking to him everyday to not seeing him and never talking to him. i know i didn't see him last summer but that was different because even though we didn't see each other we talked everyday. whether it was on the phone or on the computer. and even this year was weird he would go through patches of talking to me and not talking to me and what felt like patches of ignoring me and then all of the sudden wanting to hangout with me. i don't understand why this always happens. i find guys who i either cant live without talking to or seeing and they never feel the same way, i bet if i died tomorrow he wouldn't care.
so anyway after going on a stupid tangent about a stupid boy which shouldn't matter since there are greater things in the world for me to worry about then him.
I recently lost my grandfather. he was an amazing person, he had 5 kids all of whom have children of there own now, he was married to my grandmother for 50 yrs and 4 hrs...to the date. i keep thinking of the day it happend. i was all excited to have there 50th wedding anniversary party and to see all my cousins. earlier that day i had my cousins graduation party, the twins had just graduated college one from NYU and the other from Hofstra. i left the party in thoughts of going right to my grandparents house however when i drove by there wasnt anyone there yet and after seeing the condition my grandfather was in a few days before i kept driving and went home first to see when my parents were leaving. after being home for a little bit and being kinda mad at my mom for not being there on time she got a phone call from my dad and now that i am thinking about it she never even told me what happend she just let me go to my grandparents house thinking nothing was wrong, until i turned the corner to find about 6 poliece cars and the ambulance that was taking my unconcious grandfather to the hospital. after walking up to the house to find my 3 cousins from new jersey standing in the living room in shock i didnt know what to do so i froze like a statue telling my self that i should have been there. i could have been there but i wasnt because i was so selfish and went home. i went home because i didnt want to see my grandfather in the condition he was in, however little did i know that it would be the last time i would ever see him. the last time i saw him he didnt even know who i was. he thought i was someone completely different someone i didnt even know. when i left he wouldnt say goodbye because he didnt know me. after almost 4 years of it being like this you would think that i would be used to it and for the most part i was until the day he died. all the times that i went over there and he didnt know who i was made me wonder if he ever really knew who i was at all or if he did sometimes and other times he didnt. i used to think that i was his favorite person because i was his first grandkid and we had the same birthday. but after looking for pictures of him and i the only ones that i could find were pictures of when i was an infant. i have no recent pictures of him and i and that hurts more then anything. it also hurts that i wasnt allowed to go to the hospital to say goodbye because i was told that i had to watch my cousins while everyone else was able to go to the hospital. i hate being the oldest. i am always expected to watch everyone and to make sure that they all eat and are bing good and are being good, but im not there mother, im there cousin that doesnt make me the perminant care giver when they come over. its not fair that i spend most of my time trying to figure out who wants what and who is doing something wrong all the time. i go places with my family to have a good time too and i never end up having a good time cuz im always too busy taking care of them. as it was at the funeral i was told that i have to take care of all the kids while my aunts and uncles just sat around. i understand that they were upset but so was i. i lost someone very important to me too and im old enough to know what was going on not like most of my cousins who were constantly asking me why grandpa was lying in a box with lots of flowers all over the place or why everyone was crying and why we had to be kept in a back room. all of the questions there parents should have answered but no i was the one stuck trying to find a way to tell them that grandpa was never coming back, that he would never be at another birthday, graduation, christmas, thanksgiving, easter or wedding, christining, communion or sports game ever again. trying to think of a way to explain that to a group of 8 kids is like trying to fix global warming over night but somehow i did i guess. im sure they still have no idea what dead is and why he will never be around to see them grow up. to think that all of this is true is very hard. i still havent found a way to cope with him not being here and its so hard to go into his house. its like getting cold feet right before a big speech. i get this upset feeling in my stomach and dont want to move. its like that when i drive past there house too. for some reason i find my self always looking at there house expecting to see him in the drive way or sitting by the window in his blue chair and then i find myself remembering that hes not here and he never will be. he never will be here to see my graduate college, get married, have kids, have my first big job, own a house...nothing he will never be there because i was too selfish to just go there after the twins party. i could have stopped him from falling or called the ambulance faster cuz i would have been there to help but i wasnt. i blame myself for his death and i think everyone else does too. no one talks to me the way they used to. my grandmother wont even look at me and i think its because she knows that i should have been there. i should have been there